From a forgotten date,
Selah.
Indulgence in life is to be. And to dive in the ocean of "the search" for reason, purpose, or meaning, is to drown one's self to nothingness.
Life is — as described in the book of Ecclesiastes — all vanity, like vapor, like smoke, it appears so beautiful and mysterious. It takes shape into anything and then changes to another, and to another, and to another, and at a point it disappears. Grasp it, and it will slip right through your fingers, go in to it, and it will be impossible for you to breath and see clearly.
Again, I find the arbitrary distress to live, as I believe it may be the consequence of the latter statement. This may be fear-led, that is love-led. Too much love towards life, too much fear that follows. It is beyond my capacity to comprehend the world, life, and "being" as it is. I need to dwell more into the abyss of wisdom, for I am hungry to know, to be, enlightened.
And perhaps, or, truly, the wholeness of the universe heard my cry. It may understand, God understands, and is divinely knowing of this affair. I shed tears recognizing that I am alive, and life allows it — God is life.
I do not understand, nor will I ever understand as to why I "am" and why the world "is". I prefer to see every entity of the world as an expression of the universe itself, us as the soul of it as well as the medium of it as well as the byproduct of it as well as the beneficiary of it. It is grand and it is disturbing, to be alive. To come from nothingness and to come to nothingness.
To live under the sun, experiencing while witnessing joy and despair both at its time, in line with what God has provided.
To live under the sun, experiencing while witnessing the ability and freedom of humans to be and cause hope as well as destruction, to themselves or to others — that with no exception holds the same ability and freedom.
To live under the sun, experiencing while witnessing the moral dignity and absurdity which cycles through civilization, never failing to fill the gap of both humanization and dehumanization.
But, who are we to judge what is right and wrong? who are we to choose what is bad and good? who are we to assume that one justification is the most just?
Is this freedom of will to decide or otherwise? Or is the notion of free will itself has been predetermined from something not of our understanding? Am I even asking the right questions?
Furthermore, life has brought me to perceive that the only certainty is uncertainty, and God is that uncertainty. To think of God that is fitted into this construction of three letters, this word "God" that simplifies a quiddity that is undoubtedly impenetrable.
God that is viewed as the beatific being that forged and amends humanity and things beyond humanity, the entirety of entirety, that ever so often is exalted and called upon to pursue the path of life. Or else, the faith of one may be put in order, in accordance to thy will, or at least that is what some people say.
Perhaps I am mistaken, perhaps I am blinded. I find myself only as a mere human, and observer of what may seem like the truth but is really to be far from the truth.
Even so, above all of this, the presence of God — it to a great extent — serene. Every time, everywhere. In moments of fulfillments, it is undeniably reassuring.
Again I ask myself, "to live or not to live?".
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